Deadline Day

Today is a write-off day. Since yesterday 3pm to currently, I have managed to watch 13 episodes of anime, and 5 episodes of TVB (and counting)...

I have been feeling a gnawing feeling for the past week. I think I have isolated the causes of it... Just now, I figured out when I last had this feeling, this very empty feeling bubbling from deep within me... I've only had this feeling twice in my life that I could remember... I am desolate.

- Today is the official deadline... in 2 hours, the offers will expire.
- The feeling of being unable to do anything useful... that I think has to be one of the worst feeling ever!
- Getting less focused as I near the end of the undergrad road -- very dangerous during these times...

It has always taken me many little and big things happening at the same time to give me this feeling... This feeling, chasing, and chasing, but not seeing the light at the end of tunnel... Feel very tired.

I guess today I will just take it easy. Really don't have motivation to do any work. 2 more exams to go!... 4 more days...

Should be happy, yet sad from the bottom up...

Exam Time

So it begins, my last set of exams... at least for undergrad (knock on wood)...

Hopefully I will get through it... This term has been an interesting term; as much pressure as there supposedly is, don't really seem to be feeling it... its like this big cloud is hanging over, I am halfway underneath it, while the other half of me is under clear blue skies!

As I am writing this blog, I am trying to understand how my prof thinks... and predict what questions he will put on... haha... today's little gamble didn't work too well... but I managed... hahaha... I hope.

18s of pages of notes memorize, and a little less than 36 hours...perhaps if I forgo sleep, then 2 hours/page... it can be done.. it can be done!

I guess I should stop blogging and start concentrating!...

Mson out.

Relection 1/1: Lucking Out

Seeming to get what I want from not raising a hand, 'lucking' out at the last moment; I wonder if people really think my life is as smooth as this. Sure my life is not brutally rough, but what I've given up in order to be where I am at might not be what they themselves would have ever given up. Guess it goes back to my post about dream chasing (in Mson's Collection)...everyone values things differently; in my world, morality and dreams are worth alot more than any material success...

To keep up with the tides, I became an impatient, rude, cocky, and naive person... As I reflect, 5 years ago, I liked the me in the past alot more than now. I can always lie to myself and blame my changes on being in a program that made me give up on potential dreams, or by a program that made me see how alot of people seem to frivolously throw away fortune's blessings, or just simply cuz I've spent years doing something that I just don't seem to enjoy, and have become decent at...

This last excuse has driven a person who was once very dear and close to me away from me... though I am not naive as to say that people should only do things they enjoy, she does have a point... why did I consciously make a choice to give up the very thing I value for material success? Is reality just an excuse at the end of the day?... I wonder.

Anyway, sorry to all those who had to see my decline in character in the past years... I will make the promise today that I will stop making excuses and become a better person.

Happiest Offers Arrived, yet Saddest

So the offers that I had hoped for came. But just like 5 years ago, the result is the same. I am happy just thinking about that world, but I do live in a different world now...

Perhaps its time I realize that I will never be brave enough to chase this other world, and should be content with improving it from my current world... I don't yet see clearly the way to go about it, but maybe 5 years from now, I will then have the strength to start pulling it off. Won't make promises now, but this entry will serve as a reminder of perhaps a very ambitious endeavour...

Its true that 'past events made me the person I am today'. Many could only dream of the situation I am in. So I really should stop regretting the past... for what's in the past cannot be changed, but with my own two hands, I should start creating a bright future.