So tonite I cooked myself the first filling meal.
Menu:
3 sumptous strips of beef (they were like 2 inches thick.. mmmm...)
1 healthy serving of macaroni and mushroom soup with toasted bread on the side
2 glasses of the $4 merlot red wine
It was deellllicious!! First filling meal I cooked myself since I got here in Palo Alto. Now my muscles feels recovered from the work out I did last nite where I wasn't able to even do a push-up at the end of the day.
Now onto the Reflection 1/1....
So for the past few days (actually week), I've been madly blitzing through and absorbing the self-dev web site I have been reading. This has now grown out of the procrastination pasttime phase and into a full-fledged read-a-thon. Perhaps its just my way of connecting to things in an abstract way, but the thoughts this guy used to have seem very very much like the thoughts I have now. Maybe his solutions are not optimal; but hey, at least its better than the solution I currently have or am trying out. After reading so many pages (I estimate I read an equivalent of about 125+ 8.5 by 11 single sided pages), I actually feel more motivated and refreshed than before...
So perhaps as a result of reading up on this self-dev stuff, I remembered one of my thoughts I had 4 years ago...
"I will keep my doors open, and in doing so, AND if I do not falter, I will be at relatively the same spot 4 years from now, and be able to make a choice then. If I do falter, then that means I really didn't want it enough." -- This was the bet I made to myself. A silly bet on a fool's own life...
So during this time, I was suppose to be looking into this, but sadly, being uninspired and unmotivated, all I did were the bare essentials and clung to this thought mindlessly. Now add to the fact that I was the underdog at where I was, I kept my uninspired self occupied every week with other activities to feel more sane.
Two years ago, realizing and accepting that my focus was waning, I realized that: "in order for me to keep this thought alive, I cannot dangle this carrot in front of me anymore." So I decided to try to embrace what I am doing, and go from there. Try to meet people around me that seemed to enjoy what they are doing, and learn from them and see their world.
While some people thought I had given up on my original thought, little did they know I was consciously blocking out all thoughts related to it. In going the other way I became more focused, and actually started moving back towards the original thought (ie. preventing myself from faltering)... In order to achieve this, I must not think it, look into it, or do anything about it; even though I have to admit, when I caught wind of it, I do pause momentarily. But I carried out this plan (for better or for wrose) and it seemed to work. As a matter of fact, there are even very small aspects of what I am doing now that interests me slightly.
Back to the present day, I have reached the point I once imagined 4 years ago. My original thought seemed to have survived, but because of my lack of searching, I have made almost no headway. I am in the same position as I was 4 years ago, only difference is I have opened more 'doors' for myself... but to open these 'doors', I am not sure if what I had given up was worth the price to obtain the keys to these doors that I will never walk through.
But perhaps my fundamental problem is that my virtual world composed of 'doors'. Perhaps instead of thinking of doors, I should think of my virtual world as such:
The path to success is like that of the switchbacks going up yosemite, and what used to be 'doors' are really forks along the path. In which case, if I come to a fork, can't I just walk between the two paths and continue along? Sure there are dense trees and vegetation there, but if my resolve doesn't wane, I can carve a path through this forest at the same speed... perhaps even get onto the path to success sooner. Or if I finally figure out which fork I want to take, then I can start walking towards it, and not have to back track... this sure beats the 'doors' concept where once I walk in, I have to backtrack to try another door...
and an even better idea, while I am walking through the forest, if I know where the direction to top is (the concept of 'true north' is what I am thinking about), then perhaps I can get to success even quicker by creating this path... Sure I might have to work harder, and get bruised along the way, but no pain, no gain right?
Perhaps that was my problem 2 years ago; instead of blocking it out, I should have took on the challenge of pursuing both congruently. As I am blogging now, I am reminded of my day's event: 1.5 hours for an online survey, 1.5 hour for eating and dishes, 1 hour for TV related things, 0.5 hour for shower, 1.5 hour for blogging = about 6 hours... imagine if I used half of this time for something more productive AND enjoyable at the same time... what would that amount to in a year? How much productive work will I have done then?
Everyone has 24 hours... but just like the brain, most people use so little of it effectively... including me. Perhaps its time I start to use my time more wisely and grow up...
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