Deadline Day

Today is a write-off day. Since yesterday 3pm to currently, I have managed to watch 13 episodes of anime, and 5 episodes of TVB (and counting)...

I have been feeling a gnawing feeling for the past week. I think I have isolated the causes of it... Just now, I figured out when I last had this feeling, this very empty feeling bubbling from deep within me... I've only had this feeling twice in my life that I could remember... I am desolate.

- Today is the official deadline... in 2 hours, the offers will expire.
- The feeling of being unable to do anything useful... that I think has to be one of the worst feeling ever!
- Getting less focused as I near the end of the undergrad road -- very dangerous during these times...

It has always taken me many little and big things happening at the same time to give me this feeling... This feeling, chasing, and chasing, but not seeing the light at the end of tunnel... Feel very tired.

I guess today I will just take it easy. Really don't have motivation to do any work. 2 more exams to go!... 4 more days...

Should be happy, yet sad from the bottom up...

Exam Time

So it begins, my last set of exams... at least for undergrad (knock on wood)...

Hopefully I will get through it... This term has been an interesting term; as much pressure as there supposedly is, don't really seem to be feeling it... its like this big cloud is hanging over, I am halfway underneath it, while the other half of me is under clear blue skies!

As I am writing this blog, I am trying to understand how my prof thinks... and predict what questions he will put on... haha... today's little gamble didn't work too well... but I managed... hahaha... I hope.

18s of pages of notes memorize, and a little less than 36 hours...perhaps if I forgo sleep, then 2 hours/page... it can be done.. it can be done!

I guess I should stop blogging and start concentrating!...

Mson out.

Relection 1/1: Lucking Out

Seeming to get what I want from not raising a hand, 'lucking' out at the last moment; I wonder if people really think my life is as smooth as this. Sure my life is not brutally rough, but what I've given up in order to be where I am at might not be what they themselves would have ever given up. Guess it goes back to my post about dream chasing (in Mson's Collection)...everyone values things differently; in my world, morality and dreams are worth alot more than any material success...

To keep up with the tides, I became an impatient, rude, cocky, and naive person... As I reflect, 5 years ago, I liked the me in the past alot more than now. I can always lie to myself and blame my changes on being in a program that made me give up on potential dreams, or by a program that made me see how alot of people seem to frivolously throw away fortune's blessings, or just simply cuz I've spent years doing something that I just don't seem to enjoy, and have become decent at...

This last excuse has driven a person who was once very dear and close to me away from me... though I am not naive as to say that people should only do things they enjoy, she does have a point... why did I consciously make a choice to give up the very thing I value for material success? Is reality just an excuse at the end of the day?... I wonder.

Anyway, sorry to all those who had to see my decline in character in the past years... I will make the promise today that I will stop making excuses and become a better person.

Happiest Offers Arrived, yet Saddest

So the offers that I had hoped for came. But just like 5 years ago, the result is the same. I am happy just thinking about that world, but I do live in a different world now...

Perhaps its time I realize that I will never be brave enough to chase this other world, and should be content with improving it from my current world... I don't yet see clearly the way to go about it, but maybe 5 years from now, I will then have the strength to start pulling it off. Won't make promises now, but this entry will serve as a reminder of perhaps a very ambitious endeavour...

Its true that 'past events made me the person I am today'. Many could only dream of the situation I am in. So I really should stop regretting the past... for what's in the past cannot be changed, but with my own two hands, I should start creating a bright future.

Tub of Cheesecake

So today I received my first ever tub of cheesecake!!! Made just for meeeeeeeeeeee.. wuhaha

Rumor has it that it is a very good batch as well... Have to wait at least a few more hours until I can try it though (the alcohol from last nite is still making everything taste like whiskey)... can't wait to try it out though!

Many thx to my #1 stalker who made it for me :)

At the Delta

This is great!.. I am at the hotel right now

Even though I am so close to home, this kind of quiet feeling reminds me of my first few days in Cali... peaceful, tranquil, and if the weather was better, I think that would just make it another great normal day!

So as I was taxi-ing down here, was talking to the taxi driver... he said alot of things, but one thing that caught my attention was how people should trust their heart more... long story short, maybe being too logical and rational isn't always good... perhaps there are things in this world that even though your mind tells you no, you should do it because your heart is screaming at you to do it...

Come to think of it, I think the things that I enjoyed and cared about most resulted from me abandoning all logic and reason and following my heart... perhaps taxi driver does have a point... hrmmmm...

IRC and the 'ring'

So today, after 5 years of sweat and blood, I received the 'ring'... Before receiving this ring, I honestly did not think much about it... but as the ceremony began and those warden ppl started talking, I thought about these 5 years... and well, this ring means alot more than just a hunk of battered steel...

To me, I have seemed to associate with it my memories for these 5 years.. the ups and the downs, the good times and the bad, the me who has definitely changed as a person (probably for the worst), the people that I have met, the people that I will never meet... To me this ring symbolizes basically my university life in its entirety... for better or for worse.

The other thing at IRC was that I heard one good quote that I had forgotten recited during the ceremony... I can't find the exact quote but it is supposedly by Robert Frost (or Brown) and it goes something like this:

"A man's reach should always exceed its grasp, for what's heaven for?"...

I have always loved this quote... and I guess it is something that I should believe in again...

The Day I Go To School

After having gone to less than a quarter of my lectures... I decided to attend a full day of classes today.

I woke up bright and early and 9:00am, only to see my roommate jump into the washroom for 15 minutes. On regular days I would have given up, but today I waited it out and arrived to my 9:30am class w/ 5 minutes to spare!!...

Went to the first, went to the 2nd, then found out they cancelled the 3rd and the 4th class...

To think, if I had declared it a snow day today, I wouldn't have had to brave the cold (and it was friking cold today!)... and would only really 'miss' two classes... and keep in mind I fell asleep for 1 of the 2 I went to... So class count = 1.5/4 ...

Makes you wonder if this is fate...

A Full Set of Textbooks

So two days ago I went to get my last textbook at the bookstore. Now I have a complete set of books! Just in time for midterms...

Let us see what this $160+ paperweight has done for me so far:
1) Prevented me from sleeping:
By placing the book on my bed, I have effectively elminated my sporadic nap/coma times during Wednesday afternoon. As prove of its effectiveness, this paperweight was put back on the shelf today (Thursday); result: I have taken a 2 hr nap, as well as a 45 min nap...

2) Aesthetic purposes:
When I take all my books out of my bag and put them on the shelf... I look very much like an university engineering student... goooo me!

3) Hidden value:
Supposedly this book contains what I need to know in 2 weeks time... let's hope it delivers...

Titanium Comes to the Rescue

So I had been struggling for 30 min trying to open the child-proofed cough syrup that I was suppose to take....

Enlisting a fellow engineer, we go about trying to open the bottle with no success. As a last resort, I pull out the legendary titanium knife.

Our solution:
If you can't open the cap, saw off the neck!

Result:
We were able to saw through the plastic, and the 1.5 teaspoon of cough syrup now lie happily in my stomach.

Two great to-be engineers, one goal, Result = SUCCESES!